Gorton’s Fisherman Sets Sail for the White House

By Buster Bogtrotter — Political Correspondent

Fish stick fans are reeling this week after 170-year-old brand ambassador of Gorton’s Seafood, the Gorton’s Fisherman, announced that he is running for President in 2020.  

Since Fisherman’s announcement, detractors have come to the shore, attacking him and his lack of political experience, along with a personal life that has seen numerous choppy waters. 

Fisherman first burst onto the political scene in 2003, when he ran for mayor of Seafood Cove against retired pirate and fellow food chain ambassador, Captain D. A rift emerged between the two candidates during a heated political debate when D told Fisherman, “Take your tackle box and get out of my face.” Fisherman responded by chewing up and spitting out some of Captain D’s breaded flounder, saying D needed to, “learn how to cook” because “If [something’s] worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” 

This blatant display of disrespect sparked a brawl between the two seamen’s crews, making headlines the world over. Both men were eventually let go by their respective food companies.  

After the Captain D debacle, the yellow slicker-wearing sailor took to the seas, yachting and trolling his way through what he calls his “darkest years.” 

In his autobiography, Sink, Swim, or Float: The Life & Times of Gorton’s Fisherman, Fisherman said, “Seafood was my escape… I used it to numb the pain. When I got kicked out of a Red Lobster in Puerto Rico, I knew things needed to change.” 

Fisherman eventually reached port in his hometown of Gloucester, MA in 2009, where he changed his lifestyle, stopped dining out at Puerto Rican Red Lobsters,  and ran for school board director, a position he’s held for over a decade. 

In 2012, Fisherman got his old job back with the Gorton brand. Fisherman was also crowned Bassmaster magazine’s Sexiest Sailor Alive in 2019, overtaking famed nautical bad boy, Captain Nemo. 

Despite his lack of political experience, Fisherman is still reeling in support for his presidential campaign. 

“Trust is the backbone of Fisherman’s platform,” said Fisherman’s campaign manager, Ralph Rackstraw during a Fisherman’s rally on Tuesday. “It’s in his brand’s slogan, and it’s part of his work ethic. Gorton’s Fisherman has proven year after year that he can make crispy battered fish sticks and artisan seafood fillets —two traits I’m sure many of us would like to see in the Oval Office.”

Still, not every American is convinced.

According to a survey taken by takemefishing.org, the biggest reason why Americans can’t envision Fisherman as their commander in chief is due to his unique ensemble. 

“The dude wears too much yellow,” a surveyor said. “It’s a shame too, ‘cuz I love his everyday gourmet New England style haddock. It goes great with sauteed zucchini.”

Delicious lent-approved meals aside, there’s still much debate about whether or not Fisherman can harpoon his place in history as the 46th POTUS.